I find hard to write blog posts, even for the Pagan Blog Project. This week I’ve been troubled with how to approach the Deities. It turned out that I was trying to tackle so many things at once, and cursing myself for not being superhuman.
But, I realized I was over thinking things. And this clip from Coming to America (ignore the ad at the end of the scene), captured my situation perfectly:
How badly was I overthinking things? I was feeling guilty because a meditation on raising energy was outside the (Canaanite) Way of Doing Things. I wanted to make and practice a divinatory rune set, but was going to ‘Canaanize’ it so that it would be pleasing to the Deities. And I felt badly for still having a good relationship with Uriel and the other Archangels.
And because I wanted things to be Done Right, I was avoiding talking to the Gracious Gods I was working so hard to change for.
This reminds me of born-again Christians swearing off everything they were before, in order to become clean, good Christians for Jesus.
Or maybe that Significant Other than, in the honeymoon phase, does everything together and do whatever the SO wants. I’ll eat only what the Deities’ peoples ate. I’ll listen only to the kind of music the Deities would be familiar with. I’ll do magick and prayer only the way it was done in the Late Bronze Age…
No wonder I was so wrecked. I wasn’t just trying to change a whole life in a week, I was trying to erase anything about me that wasn’t reconstructionist for the pantheon. All the while desperately hoping that They would be pleased, that a mistake wouldn’t draw disfavor…All the while, They are not getting to know me because I’m not talking to Them, but about Them…
No, no no NO NO.
I started getting the message when I would pick up the books or visit random websites (pagan and otherwise) and open to the sections that encouraged a sincere, if clumsy, heart-felt devotion more than by-the-book ritual. Also, I did get help from the Deities, not because I had the ritual well, but because I asked for help, and They answered.
(I am not singling out the Canaanite gods or Natib Qadish. It just happens to be mentioned here because it is the reconstruction path I have started on. )
I don’t need to change my friends (other Guardians/Deities). I don’t need to suppress the interests and things that are outside the reconstructed path. I don’t have to do things in the Reconstructed Way.
For now, I’ll keep things simple–a candle, maybe some incense, and time to sit and talk with Them.