Palms of Our Hands

A Polytheist's Blog


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Pagan Blog Project – L: Lean on Them

Distrust

(Personal rambling ahead; sense is not guaranteed.)

Always the best foot forward in a relationship, isn’t it?  Sending out the first calls, getting used to the way Their names are foreign, shaped with a mouth used to speaking English, learning a few words of Their language.  Searching out for some things They’re known to like, and the first time you are able to present it to Them.  Learning how to make offerings, and the shy delight I felt that They seemed to accept it.

The first time I really asked for something, and I received Their blessing.

Then the smaller, but frequent calls.  Like checking in, saying hello, including Them in my daily life.

It sounds so human, doesn’t it?  Talking to the Gods like They’re best friends?  Well, NOT quite like that, but the nuts and bolts of a relationship have some of the same components.  My relationship experience is somewhat short, but the daily effort to show your care, your sincerity, that you WANT to know them meant more than the occasional gift and offering keeps a friendship alive.

I also learned that eventually, They’re going to see the unsavory parts of me.  Of course They can, They’re Gods.  Not the sins, not the general khat’sa of being a mere human. They’ll see that too.

It was the first time I showed I didn’t trust Them.

The first time, I thought I was going to die.  I was afraid of dying in my sleep, the way my heart wouldn’t stop racing.  Didn’t have the meds yet to control my blood pressure, and I’d already taken a ride to the ER.  I was scared.  I would die alone and scared in my bed, in the dark, and not knowing which Gods to call out to.  For though I had stepped away from Christianity, knowing the prayers, knowing what to say was a safety net.  Looking for that safety net in the old prayers, and not in the Gods I professed to seek and care for…well, it made my hypocrisy clear to me. I wasn’t ready to trust Them.

The crisis passed, and I spoke to the Gods again, who for me are the Canaanite deities.  The only thing I could offer was honesty, and apology.  While I did not sense coldness from Them, the truth of my own cowardice was enough to remind me.

Here I’d like to say “And I learned my lesson, and we’re totally Best Buds now.”

Actually, I even did it again.  Showing Them my…losing side.  I have anxiety issues, and they can be made worse by coffee, junk food, or even just that time of the month.  When this perfect storm strikes, I get afraid. Of everything.  I’m afraid to go to work.  I’m afraid of the criticism that hadn’t even happened yet.  For two hours in the morning, I was ready to call in sick and stay home “to rest”.

The side that gives in, that gives up, who retreats behind weaknesses and all the bad, disparaging, discouraging things people have ever said about me.  It had nothing to do with thinking They weren’t going to come through for me.  I wast ashamed of showing Them my personal weaknesses.  The positive things I have found from acknowledging my weaknesses are; realizing that switching from one spirituality to another does nothing (nothing!) to fundamentally change what I did/was before.  And two; all last change must be done through my own hands and heart.  I think it’s a misconception that the Gods are going to transform you without your consent.  Yeah, something is going to change–but the you-ness remains: the accomplishments, the wounds, the questions and the dreams.

It can be hard to swallow that I didn’t give the Gods my best.  It’s a bitter pill, but one that gives me strength to say, “I apologize.  Let’s try again.”

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Where am I?

I wonder if it’s just the nature of April and May, for these months have always been the busiest for me.  Perhaps that makes sense, since I work for a school district.  For almost two  months I was waking up at 5 a.m. to be at work by 6:30 am, which only proved to me that I am not a morning person!  I was also getting paid a lot more money that I normally earn as a para-educator, so I made those 6:30 mornings.

Now, I’m asleep by 11pm and find waking up at 7 a.m. to be “late”…even if I have nowhere to go. 😀

In the midst of that work, my blogging/writing and devotions fell hard by the wayside.  The Pagan Blog Project is on the letter L. The letter I last worked on was C for cleromancy,  yikes.  The guilt of not praying and putting offerings to the ‘Iluma kept chewing on me.  I finally went to my notebook, and wrote out that these offerings have to be relatively easy for me to do; they must not draw undue attention (because my family is Catholic, and would pack me off to the next church meeting they could find); must be easy to dispose off; and be a resource I can get consistently.

This winnowed down my choices to two: incense and olive oil!  I’ve been doing this new schedule for about 2 weeks, and so far it seems to have been accepted by the ‘Iluma. I think this is so because the very first morning I gave an offering of olive oil, the teacher I worked with for that day actually stopped to tell me, “You should get back into teaching.”  Seriously! Perhaps the teacher always thought this, or meant to tell me some time in the future, when the class wasn’t so hectic.  But, there it was, a signpost that may possibly(?) be pointing toward a career, not just a job.  Actually getting on that track is another story…

So I’ve been getting my ‘pagan fix’ by doing lots of small things.   From reading on Sannion and Lupus‘s blogs, the Polytheistic Leadership Conference sounds amazing, and it’s happening on my birthday no less <3.  Making small, daily offerings to the Canaanite deities.  I’ve also got projects in mind:

-creating prayer beads for the gods to use as a devotional object

-making a small symbol (the kappu) to bless my car (much like Catholics  hang rosaries on their rear-view mirror)

-and possibly one to wear discreetly all year

-make anointing oil to cleanse myself of khat’sa

-write new prayers/UPG (Unverified Personal Gnosis) for the ‘Iluma

-meditation with the Phoenician alphabet runes I made a few months ago; if I don’t connect with them, I’ll have to put them aside and try a different system.  Then again, I don’t know if divination is my strength, compared to writing and making stuff with beads.

May the Gods bless you on your path! Shalamu.